Anxiety.
A year ago I didn’t really know what anxiety was. Now I am all too aware.
It is getting worse and I don’t know how to stop it.
I feel I am turning into a hermit.
It is not there all the time, but I feel it every time I have to leave the house under my own steam, or do something out of the ordinary.
Today I had to go into town. I had a cheque to bank and annoyingly my bank is not open on the weekends. Just thinking about this addition to my day was making me anxious. It took a great deal to pack my bag ready to leave the house and half way there I had an overwhelming urge to turn around and go home. But I kept telling myself “don’t be stupid” “you can do this” “it is only a trip to the shops”.
I made it into town 40mins before the bank opened. The coffee shop was open so I bought a mocha and a packet of pecan pies which I took to the beach. As a rule i don’t have caffeine and highly restrict sugar, but felt I needed some courage. Of course the actual effect was a shaky high which probably didn’t help.
I ran my errands came home and collapsed on the sofa where I don’t want to move from any time soon. I watched what I thought was a kids film and cried.
I am pale as a sheet, dizzy and very glad I don’t have to go out again today.
How do I make this anxiety go away? This is not me.
I used to love going out. I used to walk and walk and walk, always, I loved it. If I walk more than half a mile now the pain and fatigue are all encompassing.
I've been hearing recently about the importance of keeping your heart rate down for ME. Anxiety, stress and physical activity obviously raise heartrate but apparently excitement has the same effect (because it's about the heart rate rather than the negative interpretation). Sometimes I worry about increasing my heart rate which is counterproductive! Now I'm on beta blockers for PoTS though which keeps my heartrate low (have you been tested for that? It's common with ME and causes anxiety like symptoms on standing or sitting upright).
I haven't been specifically tested for it, but a couple of times have had a Dr make me stand up and sit down while taking blood pressure – usually if I've complained of dizziness.
The first thing to do is accept it's Ok to be anxious…. It can be managed